Happy Holidays

Although, it is belated, Angela and I hope that you enjoyed your seasonal festivites whatever they might have been.

We had a wonderful christmas in Regina. We even got to go shopping with our Gayle (Heather) on her birthday, Dec 27.

We've been so busy doing real people things, we have sort of neglected the blog. I'm certain in the new year Angela and I can try and devote more time to creating blogs.

You'd be suprised how many times a day one of us says "That should be a blog"!

Hope you all have a Happy New Year!

Rules for Partying with Jen

With New Years coming up, I've compiled a list of things mandatory of my peeps when partying with me. Here it goes...

· When peeing outside, always pee downhill, and be mindful of wind direction. I don’t party with people who piss on themselves.

· Do not puke in vehicles. Puke outside. If you’re with Krista you’ll have to use a gas receipt to wipe your mouth and nose

· Do not eat celery after a night of drinking because if you barf it up, it looks like boogers.

· It’s your job to cock block me from leprechauns, mullet men and old ugly guys or anyone wearing Ed Hardy clothing because that makes them a tool.

· If my song is on, we can not go to the bathroom or get a drink or clean any blood or cuts. We MUST dance.

· If my song comes on and we’re talking, talking will cease so singing can commence but continue talking during the instrumental breaks.

· Vodka and Music trump blood. I don’t care I’m bleeding, I’m need a drink! I don’t care I’m bleeding, I need to dance.

· Remind me I’m old everytime I try to order a screwdriver or vodka special. They give me heartburn.

· When I hug a guy on crutches, fall, pull him down to and then pull the table on top, it’s time to leave even though I’m protesting. .

· If the beer tub girl isn’t looking at the money in your hand and flirting with some guy, just take the beer and walk away. Try and grab two beers. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

· If a guy you dance with twirls you around his arm and your feet never touch the ground, you’ve met Mark or Kevin. I can’t remember.

· If a chick hits on the guy you like, get her name and start telling people she has genital warts. Take a page from Pat Benetar, Love is a battlefield.

· Remain hangover free by drinking water and eating crackers before passing out

· If you can’t two step, Krista will teach you. It is a necessary skill

· If I am drunk, and say “let me handle this”. Don’t be fooled I am not in control of the situation and will do the opposite of what should be done.

· If I say I’m not drunk, seriously... I’m loaded. Take my wallet. And my phone. Turn it off and tell me it died. I will need to be tricked to be prevented from drunktexting.

· When someone says its their birthday, If you think they look young or possibly related to you, ask for ID, do it just because you want to creep them later on facebook. It’s acceptable because I do it too.

· Chicks before Dicks unless it’s Hot Patrick or someone of equal hotness

Alright, now let's go party!!!

Managing Your Holiday Shopping

Being the strategic organizer I am (and bossy), it really frustrates me to see people going out shopping three million times and paying for gas and parking all those times and fighting crowds. You know why it's frustrating for me, cuz then they get bitchy and I have to put up with it. Or they get bitchy and accuse me of being bitchy!!! So, here's how you effectively christmas shop:

On Rememberance Day, since you have the day off...

1. Make a chart. Name, Dollar Amount, Gift, and Store should all be titles.
2. Write down the names, then how much you want to spend and ideas for gift in the respective columns next to the name.
3. Once that's done, write down the store where you will find that gift.

Well, look at that, all the places you need to go in a list and all the items you need to buy are there too!!! Perfect.

My secret tip -- color code your list to the malls that each store is in. Purple for Southland, Yellow for Cornwall, Pink for Victoria, Blue for Walmart.

Now, go to those malls the same week as Rememberance day. Buy everything you need.

See your done. Now, you should also notice how you aren't bitchy.

Or, you can do like me, buy everything online and wait for it to come to you. Parking is always available, I can fight the crowds at the post office, my advantage - I'm younger than the people who loiter there by 50 years and I don't need to stop and read the obituaries.

I'm just a small town girl...

So when my cousin Megan and I went to the big city it didn't take us long to find a "weirdo".

We hadn't been in the city for more than three minutes when a guy in a car pulled up in the lane next to us. He was normal looking. But I noticed that he was wearing blue latex gloves. That's strange.

So now I'm thinking of all the reasons he would be wearning those:

• his car was so dirty he didn't want to touch anything
• he's scared of H1N1
• he forgot to take them off after doing a pap exam
• he's late for giving a prostate exam
• fucked-up fashion
• he has OCD and its just not logical
• he was cutting up meat and didn't want the germs on his hands or under his nails
• he couldn't afford real mitts... (maybe he shouldn't be driving such a nice car then)

Don't google 'why people wear latex gloves'. It's more disgusting and disturbing than anything I could think of.

Seriously, What the hell is wrong with people?

By people, I mean boys.

No, I’m sorry don’t like you enough to let you kiss or touch me in anyway...

Yes, I liked (past tense) your friend. He is very goodlooking and charming. But he’s a manwhore.

You bet I told my friends about kissing your hot friend. They care about me and when they ask, “What did you do this weekend?” I answer them honestly. Plus, I want to brag.

You can be mad that I liked him more than you. You think no girl has been passed up for her hotter friend. Have you met my friends? They are all hotter than me. But I don’t raise hell about it. I accept it gracefully with a little dignity and a moderate amount of vodka.

I think it is fine you’re jealous that I kissed him and not you. I’m a good kisser. You should be jealous.

You know what, be pissed off I told my friends. I don’t care. We’ll all laugh about this later anyway.

But please keep your reactions to youself or take a page from integrity and act like a man when you feel jealousy and rejection. I know they are tough emotions to deal with however, this does not mean you can cause shit. Verbally attacking me will really get you no where. Well, unless my brother finds out and then drags your sorry ass to the middle of the no where to beat 'respect for women' into you.

So, I’m refusing to get worked up, which I’m sure pisses you off even more. It’s funny because I’d probably care if you were cute. But I’ve already wasted too much time trying to figure out whats wrong with you. I haven't taken enough abnormal psych classes I guess. I'm actually so disturbed that this makes me feel so powerful that I can make you jealous. Hahaha (evil laugh)

So please take your jealousy, hostility and rejection and hold it tight tonight when you’re in bed alone. Alone because you act like a cross between a douche bag Jon Gosselin and his 8 yr old daughter Maddy.

We could be friends...

Dear Jordan,

It was 24 hours ago that I was getting my hourly gossip dose on people.com and I saw on the twitter ticker that you were advertising your facebook and wanting to add friends.

So I added you. I called my sister immediately from my cell phone even though I was in the house because it was the phone closest to me to tell her too. I think she was disappointed that you weren't in Saskatoon. She was ready to start the car and drive three hours to Saskatoon to find you like a real stalker would.

So, I guess I'm just really pissed off that you haven't accepted my friend request. Like what's the hold up. Don't you remember when we met in Chapters. Nov 18 -13 months ago at approx. 3:00 pm when you were buying the Ted Turner biography. I smiled, shook your hand and told you I had your doll. We're practically REAL friends.

Thanks,
Your soon to be friend Jennifer

"Any whisky in there?"

Today as I was about to throw out an old 2009 daytimer, I came across an interesting list. Not your usual 'milk, bread, fruit', or 'laundry, mail letter, call SaskTel' kind of list.

Written in the back are a few bullet points, which I must have made during one of Grandma Nelson's visits. Now, we've already mentioned a few times on the blog what a riot she is, even when she's not trying. I must have made a list so that I could scrapbook about her visit -- and not forget about the little gems she was spouting off.

So, because I have NO idea what I was going to scrapbook, or if there are any photos at all, or when this even happened (presumably sometime in 2009), I will share with you this list.

Ah-hem. (This is verbatim. Hope you can read my notes and bad spelling.)

-g'ma is going to give Mom a licking for dumping out coffee
-can't retire from gardening 'cuz they can still walk
-Grandma's enjoying herself immensely 1115AM - day 1
-bathroom does everything except pee for you
-getting ice tea in cooler "Any whisky in there?"

I don't know why my list ends there. Or where we were. Or what we were doing. But I am sure glad I took notes.

Renovations Suck.

I live with my Mom and brother. We have one bathroom. Three weeks ago, we tore the old tub surround out. We ran into disaster below the tub surround and have actually taken the circular saw to the walls. This house is cursed by the Voo Doo Priestess of Insomnia. It's because in 1977 she left her sleeping pills behind the plumbing. I found them, but that hasn't stopped the ever persistent problems.

So, for three weeks, I've been bumming showers from friends and family (Thanks Dad, Connie and, of course, Megan and her heated bathroom floors). I would like to take this opportunity to extend my sincerest appreciation.

But I'm Jennifer. So naturally I've created a devious plan to manipulate this project into completion. However, I will share some advice first. NEVER pay your brother and his buddy BEFORE the job is done, and you can avoid this whole mess.

Back to my plan... I am hereby no longer bathing or participating in any form of hygiene. It will take 24 hours for my skin cells to rebalance to their normal pH level. This is also when my stink will start. My hair will get greasy, the b.o. will be overwhelming and my teeth will grow fur. After day 3, when I will be judged for going out in public, I will follow Corey or Lane around. To work, to restaurants, to liquor stores. I will use all my resources to stalk them. And my unbelievably disgusting self will force them into submission where they will put up the last 5 tiles, apply the grout and sealant.

Pretty awesome right...

1985 called. They want their Christmas backdrop back.

I was looking for a picture tonight to go into one of those photo-frame Christmas ornaments. I didn't find anything that would work, but I did find the photo we are now using on this blog to celebrate the holiday season.

I remember this photo. I think it was taken at McLeod's, or some other now extinct department store, gone the way of Woolco and Eatons and Richardsons. Maybe it was a SAAN photo? Either way, that background is totally fake. It's one of those rollout vinyl backdrops that appears in every Christmas family photo in the mid-80's.

Check out those rings! Yup, I thought they were da bomb. One was purple and one was diamond. As in SAAN store diamond. Maybe it was still the Met. That shirt might have come from Stylerite --there was no WalMart in 1985 in Canada. Jen's outfit probably came from the same place. It's too bad her shirt and overalls don't match. It's one of those 'kinda almost matches good enough for this photo' matches; but still not an actual two-piece set. Who cares anyway, because she's probably pooping her pants at the moment.

Check out my hair cut. Or, what passed for a haircut in those days. Judging by the way my bangs have been gnawed off, I am guessing Mom did that herself. But I think that hairband really helps pull the look off.

This is our first professional photo together at the tender age of 7 for me, 7 months for Jen. I'm gonna find the "matching white angel dress" one next!