Crazy Eyes

Last night, I texted my best friend, "There’s a guy trying to dance with me but I can’t tell where his eyes are looking because they point different ways." This was her response and this is also why she is my best friend!

“Follow the one that isn’t pointing the ceiling. He obviously spotted you so it’ll probably be the eye he’s closest to you with, or go up behind him and tap him on the shoulder and see which way he turns, if his left eyes good he’s straight, but if it’s his right he’s bad.”

She followed that with, “You’re a good looking girl, you deserve better than a pirate.”

Cartwheels!

I get in trouble sometimes when I try to show off my athletic ability. Probably because I'm not athletic. And it takes a little bit of vodka for me to think I am. It's part of the "audience disease" I blogged about last March, surprisingly at the same event in Biggar... when I split my pants.

So, when deciding to do a cartwheel, which I CAN do as of 1995, there's a few things to consider:

• that your clothes will still be appropriately placed on your body
• that the cement will hurt your hand and to choose grass
• that the grass you choose doesn't belong to a dog

Failure to consider these can lead to some less than pleasant consequences for yourself, but your friends will find it hilarious!

ATTENTION!!

Dear friends who read our blog but do not "follow us" officially,

We're on facebook now too. So we expect you to become a fan. Especially if you're already on facebook. You have no excuse.

So GO! Go become a fan!!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Ange-and-Jen-Have-A-Blog-Because-No-One-Will-Give-Them-A-TV-Show/100583506648051?ref=nf

Thanks, Jen

F U D Q

Picture this, Sicily 1912... No wait, that's Sophia's line! (I'm newly addicted to the Golden Girls!).

Ok, picture this, Whaler's Village, Maui, 2010:

I want to have a talk about the only place in world that has mountains of incredibleness for only 42 cents an oz.

It's better than Candyland! Candyland is actually the Nutter's bulk store in Melfort, but when we were little we'd drive by and beg for a stop at Candyland, to get bulk candy. It probably cost Dad $1 for both Corey and I, and he got to be hero-esque for the rest of the day.

It's Yogurtland.

Yogurtland had dozens of flavors of frozen yogurt, and you can blend them together and they come out into a huge one size bowl. Or you can have a few little piles of different kinds of frozen yogurt in the same bowl. The options are nearly endless.

Once you have your yogurt in your giant bowl, you get to pick from like 50 different kinds of fruit and candy, like strawberries, mango, pineapple, kiwi, m&m's, kit kat, twix! You name it. And you get to put your own toppings on. It's pretty smart cuz then you can hog the good stuff. And their employees can't screw up putting your toppings on.

I can't tell you exactly how many combinations or permutations there are because I don't remember the formulas, but it's LOTS.

Best part is that it's delicious. And that giant bowl full is about $3. And it's fat-free.

So while I stand on Ka'anapali beach and eat my Yogurtland, the only thing I can think of is how screwed over I feel for living my life for 24 years without Yogurtland. I'm also pissed off that Dairy Queen's limited flavors and toppings and too much fat and sugar cost twice that!!!!!

F*CK YOU DAIRY QUEEN

Aging might suck, but I'm still young.

For the past 4 weeks I have been teaching a the Tourism Essentials Certificate Programs which teaches employability/transferable skills. Today, my student wrote their exam. Part of my job as program facilitator is to proctor the exam.

As I was recording photo ID numbers, I realized that out of all my students or co-workers, I was the youngest person there.

Although, one of my students Brenda* (name has been changed) said she never would have guessed that I was younger than her. Thanks! Just what I wanted to hear.

I am having issues coming to terms with being almost 25. I remember when Ange was 25. Isn't she still??

Wait, she can't possibly be since she has been mistaken for my mother. Haha! That is probably one of the most awesome memories from Maui.

"Holla" to the Bubba Gumps waitress who made the mistake!!

WalMart Supercenter: You Have Redeemed Yourself

Tonight on my shopping excursions, I headed down to the same Walmart Supercenter that I bitched about horribly a few weeks back. (February 21 if you're so inclined to look it up.)

I just wanted to say that it was a stupendous trip. As Grandma would say,"I enjoyed myself immensely."

Everything I wanted was in stock. Even the super cheap double roll Royale toilet paper on sale for 4.48. Not only was everything in stock, the store was clean! The shelves were tidy! It was $92 worth of terrific! I even helped a couple who didn't speak much English pick between regular dill pickles and bread-and-butter pickles (if you're reading this nice non-English couple, I hope I helped you choose the right ones...)!

So, just thought I would point that out for those who may be wondering how my Walmart is panning out. I may sometimes pout and bitch, but I also praise and brag!

Aging Sucks.

I had my first moment of "I am too old to wear those" the other day.

I was looking at all the different running shoes in the store, and I saw a sign that said Vans, which was my favorite brand of shoe when I was a young hip teenager. Of course, they no longer resemble what I hoped they would. Now they look like the DC skateboard shoes that teenagers wear.

I picked a pair off the shelf and was struck by this feeling that I had never felt before...something like "if I wore those, I would be the crazy lady in her 30's trying to be cool"...perhaps a subject on What Not To Wear. I admit, this was the first time I ever looked at something and had it occur to me that those were inappropriate for someone my age. Sucky!

On the other hand, I had enough money to buy the leather Kenneth Cole pointy-toed pumps that I love. I couldn't have done that as a 17 year-old snot-nose kid working at KFC. I guess aging does have its advantages.

Idol is good.

I love the big stage. I never realized that I didn't like the other one. This looks like the big time now. And everyone seems better...maybe because they are doing Stones songs which are all good?

Boys Night

Lee kinda made me like that song even better than the original. Fireflies is overplayed on XM like WAY too much.

Alex was weak. And his mullet is getting way longer.

I loved Tim. I think that is my new favorite song. Written by a Canadian - Leonard Cohen - and kd lang kicked it at the Olympics with that song. And then we can have sex by the bleachers. Me and Tim, not me and kd.

Okay, now I am waiting for Adam to kick it like he did with Straight Up. (Sorry, don't know why I am all about the 'kick it' references tonight.) Grant and I both think that was kinda weird...

Casey is doing Keith Urban, and he doesn't even sound like Casey. Which is good.

The kid is having major problems. This song is too big for him.

Todrick reminds me of someone who should be on Broadway. He is so theatrical. But he is a good singer. Grant says "that was bad."

Big Mike is good, but neither of us understood the words, ...and what - Kara is crying!?! What?? Grant and I are in shock...did we miss something?

Um, WHAT?!

We always laugh about the time Grandma told Jen, "your hair looks really good, I almost didn't recognize you." ... of course, Grandma meant that in a GOOD way, but it kinda made it seem like Jen usually looks awful.

Well, tonight I did almost this same thing to my step-sister-in-law. Jaime recently lost 99 pounds. Okay, maybe she's at 100 by now, but the point is, she looks like a different person. In fact, my comment on her Facebook picture was "You look awesome. I had to click on your picture to make sure it was you." Or something to that effect. Um, what? Like she normally DOESN'T look awesome and I couldn't believe she possibly COULD look awesome?? Nice one Ange! Aren't you a professional communicator for a living?!? Way to go with that one!

I went back an hour later after I thought about that comment and tried to explain myself, like an idiot. And Jaime, being as gracious as she is, said she did not take it in a bad way! So Jaime, as I know you read this, congratulations on your achievement, you DO look awesome, and thanks for letting me take my foot OUT of my mouth!

Girls Night. Second edition.

A chance to hear what Grant and I are saying....

Katie - We both say she isn't refined. Maybe she has Down syndrome? (Grant was serious.) Grant misses Adam Lambert (or, "the gay guy from last year"). No charisma. Grant says "they both suck (Lacey and Siobhan)...and I hate Idol."

Siobhan - The judges will love this. I don't mind it, if I don't look at her. She seems too stiff.

Lacey - Grant's not sure how she made it onto this show. "She's as bad as Dolly Parton." Cue glare from me.

He left to go play computer games. So much for the blogging duo.

Katelyn - I loved last week WAY more. Didi - Great at singing and guitar. Sucky at more than that. Paige - WTF?

Crystal is good. But this is a singing competition. I don't think she's the best singer. Good artist? Sure. Ditto for Lilly. But she made this a neat version of I Fall To Pieces.

I'm not a copycat, but I want to jump on Ange's train.

I generally don't watch American Idol, but tonight I did. Here's my condensed thoughts!

Crystal - Why didn't you comb your hair? I get you were in the hospital, but now you're on tv, so grab a brush!

Katie Stevens - that was not the voice I was expecting to come out of her mouth. I was thinking she'd be more Britney/Mandy Moore-ish. She has an old voice, doesn't match the rest of the package... Call the Milli Vanilli police.

Didi - Lean on Me? Seriously? One of the MOST over-done songs ever. I hope you enjoy the extra butt hole the judges should tear you.

Katelyn - my favorite too. She sucked the least. America will like her because she looks like Taylor Swift. Even my dad knows the words to Taylor Swift, everyone, EVERYONE loves Taylor, and now Katelyn can just jump on the Taylor train.

Paige - I remember her only by awfulness, like how awful the song was when Kelly did it, even Reba couldn't fix it. I think "Walk Away" is officially dead and we can call the Funeral Home.

Siobhan - Attention: you are white, not black. They have a word for whities who want to be black. It's Wigger. I'm fairly certain that's a derogatory term, at least I want it to be when refering to Siobhan. Pass me a Snuggie, I'm starting my protest. She'll never win, America won't vote for a name they can't pronounce. She probably won't ever get a job either, because if that resume with that name came across my desk, I'd be like WTF, and shred it. How can I call her for an interview and not sounds like an ass calling her something that sounds like an anal cream.

Lacey, Lilly, Michelle, Haeley: please prepare to be cut, I could barely remember you.

Girls Night: American Idol, March 3rd edition

First, let me point out I don't watch the show live. I DVR it and watch it later, so hopefully you aren't waiting for my blog. (I don't want to keep my two readers waiting.)

Anyway, can I just say I enjoy seeing Kara's new hairdo every night. I think it's extensions.

Crystal Bowersox - Grant says she is not bad for a burnt out hippie. I am a big fan of the gospel sound, but this is boring me. I predict the judges will love it because of her health problems. Yup - four for ... four. Called that brotha'.

Haeley Vaughn - great song choice. I actually like this version better. The music is too loud for her. The end is kinda falling apart...is this because she's 16? I bet she made that hairband. I too am a big fan of hairbands. Just look at any of my photos age 8 and under.

Lacey Brown - she is NOT Stevie Nicks, so let's hope this is an improvement. Well, bad start but it's improving. Way better than last week.

I feel like all the judges want them to be Adam Lambert, changing up every song. They never made those comments last year.

Katie Stevens - good song choice. Judges will say she didn't take enough risks. I feel not as critical on the girls as I was on the guys. Randy - sweet spot...upper register. Ellen - wants to see younger...no dentist's office music. Kara - frustrated...still waiting. Simon - also frustrated...not telling them who she is as an artist. No one talked about risks. I was wrong.

Didi Benami - I like her...hard to change a song as familiar as Lean On Me - it's been redone to the max. Okay, did she just choke up? Never show your weakness!! But don't worry, Ryan is making her feel all better.

(Jen just called to ask if all these girls suck, or is it just her? It's not just her.)

Michelle Delamor - like a pre-crack Whitney. But not as good a singer. I think Whitney wore that exact dress in a video. Back when MTV had videos.

Lilly Scott - I want to push her down the other side of crap mountain. But keep the 12 string. The judges will eat this with a spoon though.

Katelyn Epperly - I just became a fan. Bonus points 'cause I love the piano.

Paige Miles - what is Simon picking off the floor? Oh, I see. He wants to run away. Me too. She is really good actually, but this song is dreadful. The band is so back-up tape too.

Siobhan Magnus - I dislike her. I dislike her alot. I don't even want to watch her sing. I have to look away. I hate her name. Shouldn't I be able to understand the words? This is a mess. Good lord help me. I would rather have a snuggie. Why are the judges loving it?

Small Towns, Saturday Night...

This past weekend, I went to Spalding. Spalding is real small.

After driving down two streets, we found all the vehicles, and of course, the party. Or so we thought... We walked into the bar thinking that with dozens of vehicles outside, there would be lots of people inside. There were 3 people playing cards and 3 people playing pool. And us.

Alicia, Krista and I thought we should have one drink, not just turn around and leave. The first thing we noticed was the fluorescent sweatshirt of the 80's inspired bartender (blue eyeshadow and pink lipstick too). We all looked at eachother and wondered if this was normal and she always dressed like this or if she was dressed up to play cards.

Sometimes in a small town, you just can't tell. It's hard to judge a mental illness from appearance. Well, harder than you'd think!

Long story - short: Party was in the hall next door, and it WAS 80's themed, but sucked. It was all hockey players and their pucks! Plus, the vodka and diet at the bar tastes like blood with a metal aftertaste.

Thanks Jillian Michaels!

I can do twice as many push ups as I did on Monday.

You know what that means, DOUBLE DIGITS!

Think of me as judge #5, if you will

To amuse myself during this year's mediocre American Idol, I have decided to blog as I watch. This way I can share my thoughts, much like a fifth judge would.

Big Mike - he rocked tonight. Kinda like a Barry White, but with muscles instead of an obesity problem. Every person who likes babies is voting for him.

John Park - he thinks he's John Mayer. He's not. I think he could be one of those crossover pop stars who is "really big in Japan."

Casey James - is not a rocker. I would cast him in a Pert commercial. Even Kara doesn't want in his pants tonight.

Alex Lambert - Grant is convinced this guy is related to Adam Lambert. He is certainly not. I think he kinda has a Paul McCartney look. But with a mullet. I am overlooking that because his voice is really smooth. Like buttah'.

Todrick Hall - if there is a God, he will kick this kid off Idol and he will go on to have a successful dance career. (Todrick, not God. Although God could do whatever he wants, really -- we're all just contestants in his Idol-life.) Anyway, there is no career for men who take women's songs, butcher the arrangement and then over sing it. Blech.

Jermaine Sellers - he was one of my faves in the auditions but is slipping down crap mountain. What is that lump on his head?

Andrew Garcia - does anyone else think of Cuba Gooding Jr.? He kicked ass with the Paula Abdul song in Hollywood week. "E" is right (that's Ellen in Randy-speak). He raised the bar and now can't seem to reach it again.

Aaron Kelly - He is so cute. Who was that young kid who almost won this thing a few years back? A smart producer would team those two up and promote their faces all over every piece of merch and bubblegum CD they can get their hands on.

Tim Urban - Okay, I admit, if he wanted to have sex behind the bleachers, I'd probably do it. But I will NOT choose him as the American Idol. Bleacher-sex-idol? Yes. Drive-in-sex-idol? Yes. In-your-parent's-basement-sex? Okay...you get my point.

Lee Dewyze - Simon is on crack. This kid is not the one to beat. He is like every other Daughtry-rocker Idol has pumped out.

Girls night tomorrow...stay tuned.

The Grandma stories don't end in Regina!

Grandma stayed night in Melfort after leaving Regina. Today when I got home from work at lunch, I visited with grandma before heading downstairs to work on homework.

Between 1 and 4, I probably went upstairs 6 or 8 times to get a pen, to get a drink, or just to go pee. I didn't think my presence was secret.

So when I changed into my workout clothes at 4, I was quite surprised when grandma said, "I thought I told you to stay at school"

I wasn't at school. I was home the whole time.

Grandma's Gems

Not one to disappoint, Grandma's visit was entertaining and enjoyable for her, and for me. She was a bit sad that the spring Farmer's Market doesn't start until next Saturday, but even still, she had a good time.

I did take her and mom to the new Walmart Supercentre. Grandma's first comment was "Holy Sh@t", which may have just been a copy of what mom said. When we got in there she asked me all kinds of questions like "How many people work here?", "Can you imagine what it costs to heat the place?", and of course, "If you got lost out here at night you could get stabbed with a knife."

She also mentioned that when she sees a big store like this she thinks of her mom who didn't have nice things. Growing up in Fort a la Corne on a widower's pension she most certainly did not, which actually makes me appreciate all I have.

As we drove home her comment was, "I'm glad Ange knows where she is driving because I'm shitting nails." I think she meant razor blades, but you get the idea.

But, I think my favorite remark of the weekend was when she was telling me how she is thankful for a warm house, lots of good food, and good kids. But sometimes she crosses off the kids.

Other things she enjoyed immensely: sleeping like a pig, spending her money while she is above ground, the casserole (which was really chili con carne), Cheetos, having Abby and Zeke jump up next to her, having mom grease her up so she's ready for the frying pan (put lotion on her arms and legs), and shopping at London Drugs.

Note to Jennifer: you will be in charge of bringing home head cheese from the next Farmer's Market. You've been warned.

Grant may have felt invaded. We didn't listen to his sign.

Jen's Research Experiment

I'm a University student, so it's imperative that I learn scholarly things. Today I conducted a research experiment and learned that with the addition of Smirnoff Ice, my typing skills seem to be impaired, but its an inverse relationship to my singing skills because they keep getting better!!

Sometimes I can be rude...

So I would like to apologize. Specifically to Brayden's friend, the one who asked Erika to dance and left Brayden and I to make awkward small talk.

First, I will apologize for not knowing your name. But your striped sweater was very nice.

Secondly, I will apologize for making you show your id to verify your age. But you did lie. You just turned 21 on Jan 1. That's not close to 22 yet.

Thirdly, I would like to apologize for my remarks after you asked my super hot friend Erika for her number and she gave it to you. I am sorry for asking her while in front of you "Are you seriously giving him your number?" and then by following it up with "Your REAL number?"

Lastly, I'm sorry for thinking this is so hilarious. I have periodically laughed about it for days. But I do appreciate that your 21 year old self will hit on 25 and 26 year olds.

Walmart Supercenter is not super

Before Jennifer gets all greedy and does all the blogging, accusing me of not having any adventures, I would like to tell a little story about the new Walmart Supercenter.

(I don't have a picture. Jennifer does. WTF? I know, but maybe she can add it.)

This Supercenter just opened on Feb. 10th. Even the mayor was there. It's the first store in the new development out by my house. This is MY Walmart, so I am feeling a little protective from all the nosy shoppers who normally go to the east or north store, but now feel the need to get all up in my face at MY Walmart.

Anyway, this store is ginormous, and has groceries (like ground beef and bananas) and all the other items you've come to expect from Walmart.

The difference at Supercenter Walmart? They don't actually have any inventory. I know what you're thinking. Super Walmart should have super inventory. Maybe it's because I went on a Sunday and all the weekend shoppers have raped and pillaged every aisle. But I am telling you, there WAS NOTHING ON THE SHELVES!

I went to get Grant's deoderant first. That was the only thing I absolutely needed, because I am not sharing mine with Grant. Nothing. I mean, a few yucky old Speed Sticks that even Dad wouldn't use, and Axe in chocolate scent. (Side note for boys: girls do not want your pits to smell like Pot of Gold. Just buy us Pot of Gold.) I managed to find a promo section with some Degree on it, complete with a car odometer on the front and Grant agreed to use it. We can all be thankful for that.

Next, food aisles. Ketchup? Sure, if you want the tiny organic Heinz bottle, or maybe the super-sized Great Value brand.

Okay, dish soap. I am not fussy - Palmolive, Dawn, Sunlight - whatever. I managed to find three bottles left. WAY the hell at the back. Not a place where 5'2 (okay 1 and a half) shoppers can reach.

Then I hit the craft section to refuel for my scrapbooking sessions. They have no glue sticks and no more Cricut cutting mat refills. Except for the 12 inch ones which nobody uses because the machines are $600.

So, needless to say, I was lucky to even survive the crowds, and have no goods to show for it. And y'know how the cashiers usually say "Did you find everything today?" - I was totally ready to say "NO" - and, she didn't even ask. She may not have been awake, actually. Or, maybe her dreads were cutting off the blood supply to her brain.

I stopped for a Tim's double double on my way out. (Yes, there is a Timmy's in the store.) That has really helped to ease the pain. But let's hope next weekend when I take Mom and Grandma here that they ship some more supplies in!

Jen's First Kitchen Fire

Today I was making one of Ange's great recipes that she gets from Kraft Canada. In one pan I was cooking the chicken and in a pot on the other burner, I was boiling water. Since I believe in multi-tasking, I was also on facebook and youtube.

All of a sudden I could smell burning. Bad burning. I looked my chicken, swirled it around, it was fine. I look to the other burner and there are flames! Actual 6 inch flames coming from underneath my pot of water.

So what do I do? I know you're wondering! While remaing calm, I try and blow it out. It got bigger. I said to my dad who was on the couch in the other room, "Uhhhh Dad, Help! Help! It's a fire." He thought I was joking. I said "No really, the stove is on fire, should I pour the water on it?" (Please note I know not to throw water on grease fires thanks to volunteering at the babysitters course in 2008). He shot that idea down. So I did what I do: I took a picture, to remember my first kitchen fire by. And maybe to scrapbook, blog or put on facebook.

The fire burnt itself out. Dad didn't have to get off the couch and I survived.

Men Vs Women in the Headlines!

Not that its really hard to argue women are smarter, I have come up with irrefutable proof as found in the headlines! I looked at over a year of 2009's random headlines, here were the most disturbing:

MEN

1. Man had to be rushed to ER after trying to circumsize himself with nail clippers
2. Racoon bites off penis of pervert (man) as he was trying to rape it
3. Man cuts off penis in name of love
4. Man almost loses penis while humping steel bench
5. Man's penis bitten off in car accident by women (It was his secretary, so this goes in the Boss is a loser category. Also with this news story was a photo of what "two people having an affair might look like")

WOMEN:

1. Women freed after days trapped in recycling bin (In her defense, she was 74 and knocked over by her dog)

So, I analyzed these headlines, can you find a common similiarity of men's stupidity?

It's currently -9 and I'm okay with that.

I never thought I'd be happy to be in the cold instead of say... Florida. But I am.

I'm glad I'm not in Tampa Bay. There's a feces throwing monkey on the loose.

I'm dead serious. Not joking or lying. There is truly a feces throwing monkey on the loose.

For Alicia:

I took Alicia to Arborfeild once. I didn't take her home. I think I should apologize, but I'm sure she made the best of it.

She asked me to write her a blog today since I was texting while being slightly underwork at the office today.

This blog isn't the best (since I'm being forced and the creative juices are frozen), so one day when I'm famous, I'll give her a fake credit at the end of my tv show for being in my entourage and a shout out in the liner notes of my sure to be smash-hit multi-platnium CD.

Actually... she confessed she has a video camera and her life is like an episode of The Office. Maybe she can tape our reality show!

Cha-Ching

I uplifted my grandma's heart today, what did you do?

I told her about receiving a scholarship from the City of Melfort awarded to me by Cumberland College. She's very proud. It sounded like she was tearing up.

So, while I'm being all mushy and feeling-sy, I have to say I know my Grandma and Grandpa Hill would be proud too.

They think it's hard to win a scholarship though. My little secret, just being me. I wrote a write up about being a banker and wanting to go to school this time and being "passionate" about it and being financially responsible, being a Nipawin Kinette and world wide do-gooder. Then I threw in my transcripts from the exams I write for the classes I don't go to. I'm thinking maybe they didn't have the highest standards! Haha.

Please note: this is all in jest, please don't take away the money!

Blog Abuse?

Angela and I went to Maui. It was friggin' awesome.

We have neglected our blog since our trip. We know. But it's not considered abuse like neglecting elder. If it was you probably would have heard from us.

We've been gone a long time, and A LOT has happened. So it's just overwhelming to start rethinking it all. Like when you don't go to class all semester, then have to write the final.

Wait... Ange wouldn't do that. So I don't know what her excuse is.

Anyway, we have lots of stories from trip -- lesbos from Oregon to the near death of Dr Pepper. Yes, we have lots of stories.

We will share them, we promise.

Finally, someone who'll listen!

... and there he was right before my very own eyes in Chapters,

Jordan Knight, in the flesh...

Toothbrush holders, panty liners and other items of interest to national security

As I write this, I'm enduring some turbulence on West Jet flight 1852 to Kaluhui. I can't even pronounce that, but that is my destination. I am actually not blogging this at all. I'm writing on the back of my BelAir Travel itinerary with my SaskPower promotional pen - (thanks EnerAction!).

It's 11:15 pm Sask time, and I'd kill to brush my teeth, have a glass of water and a hot meal! But who's complaining? This is what going to Hawaii entails. The day started with delays. Grant dropped me off at YQR (makes Regina airport sound exotic, doesn't it?) at 12:50, two hours and ten minutes before I was supposed to leave. Make that three hours...a 4:00 departure instead of 3:00, says the super-chipper-WestJet-check-in girl with thick eyeliner. After a record fast check in and security clearance, I`m waiting. Jen texted me for awhile, I called my oldest BFF Jeri, and paced the airport to keep my hip pain from flaring from the excessive sitting. I`m sure the airport cameras caught me wandering like some kind of mental, anxious flyer, but really, it`s just an inflamed joint.

Finally at 3:58, I board.
CHECK DOCS.
My boarding pass gets scanned again.
CHECK DOCS.
The WestJet guy can`t get the message to go away, but there is a green check mark, so I am clear to board. Whew.

Go to Calgary. Stop. Go to Vancouver. Transfer. With the hour delay, we just make it through customs in time. Lucky me, the same crew flying me to Vancouver also flys us to Hawaii, but on a different plane, so no worries about missing the flight! They are just as delayed as the passengers.

Anyway, the point of this blog....the drill with CATSA: remove your shoes, belt, jacket, purse. Put them in a plastic tote to be scanned. Guess what. CATSA staff have never seen my rocking Tupperware toothbrush holder. I threw it in my purse because we can`t have carry on bags. It holds your toothbrush upright, with a little weight at the bottom. It scans, they don`t recognize it, and want to go through my items. Fine. I particularly enjoyed watching the big burly security man fumbling and putting panty liners back into my make-up kit. I tried not to laugh. They finally found the offensive item and determine it is not a weapon. Uh no. I probably could throw it at someone`s head and leave a good dent. Might be a possibility in the case of the parents behind me in line with the pair of four-year-olds carrying on and laughing about poop and bums.

Then came the CSI moment.

A swipe of your hands to determine if you have `material that could be detrimental to the operation of the aircraft`, is how they put it. (Not a test for H1N1 as the elderly gentleman in front of me suggested). Apparently he`s never seen Horatio and Grissom in action on CSI.

Did I mention the turbulence! Wooo!!

I broke the law, but it was worth it!

You're shocked that a straight-laced girl like me would break the law right? Even a silly law like 'no using a cell phone while driving'...well, I did it. But I swear it was worth it. Here's the scenario:

Monday. Lunch time. Leave work. Go shopping.
Put purse on front seat. Blackberry goes in purse. Other cell goes in purse.
Shop.
Head back to work. Blackberry rings. Still driving. Answer Blackberry. Recognize sister's number.
"This better be important, 'cause I'm breaking the law right now."
Sister: "It is if you want to go to Maui!"
Briefly consider that something terrible has happened to your father who's in Maui.
Realize that what is being proposed is going to Maui! On your father's dime! Like, now!
Act calm.
Tell sister you will check your work schedule when you get back to office. (Checking the calendar feature on the Blackberry while driving is definitely a bad idea.)
Schedule is good.

Tuesday. Boss gets back from Mexico.
Holidays get approved.
Flights get booked.
Tanning begins! (Thanks Tera and the MasterSun 360 at Tropicana Tan!)

Wednesday. Passports come out of security box.
Bathing suit shopping commences at Wal-Mart.
Find two $3 bathing suits! (Love January clearance on summer items!)
Thursday. Start rubbing it in at work that you get to go to Hawaii. Wait, that was happening since Monday....
Husband asks, "Have you left yet?"
Get a painful, but necessary, waxing job.
Tell husband that no, he can't see the waxing job.
Do more laundry.

The End

Maui

I sleep with my phone on 'silence'. That way it doesn't wake me up when I get texts at god awful hours like 8:30am. I will never do this again.

I woke up this morning and reached for me phone and it was ringing. It was some strange (808) number. I answered. It was Glen (my dad). Saying to get my butt to MAUI asap. Yes a surprise trip to MAUI.

Yeah, I jumped outta bed so fast, I got whiplash. I was shaking and couldn't think straight.

For some reason in my just-woken haze, I started throwing stuff in my book bag and thinking I had to get home to pack. I must be leaving immediately.

I phone Dad's travel agent and she got me a flight for the weekend. Yeah I leave Sunday for MAUI.

I can hear it playing in my head "I'm in Maui, trick, Drink all day, play all night, let's get it poppin', I'm in Maui trick"

I won't drink much cuz I want to enjoy my trip and I have no idea what "let's get it poppin'" means. But as of Sunday, I'm in MAUI trick.

Happy Holidays

Although, it is belated, Angela and I hope that you enjoyed your seasonal festivites whatever they might have been.

We had a wonderful christmas in Regina. We even got to go shopping with our Gayle (Heather) on her birthday, Dec 27.

We've been so busy doing real people things, we have sort of neglected the blog. I'm certain in the new year Angela and I can try and devote more time to creating blogs.

You'd be suprised how many times a day one of us says "That should be a blog"!

Hope you all have a Happy New Year!

Rules for Partying with Jen

With New Years coming up, I've compiled a list of things mandatory of my peeps when partying with me. Here it goes...

· When peeing outside, always pee downhill, and be mindful of wind direction. I don’t party with people who piss on themselves.

· Do not puke in vehicles. Puke outside. If you’re with Krista you’ll have to use a gas receipt to wipe your mouth and nose

· Do not eat celery after a night of drinking because if you barf it up, it looks like boogers.

· It’s your job to cock block me from leprechauns, mullet men and old ugly guys or anyone wearing Ed Hardy clothing because that makes them a tool.

· If my song is on, we can not go to the bathroom or get a drink or clean any blood or cuts. We MUST dance.

· If my song comes on and we’re talking, talking will cease so singing can commence but continue talking during the instrumental breaks.

· Vodka and Music trump blood. I don’t care I’m bleeding, I’m need a drink! I don’t care I’m bleeding, I need to dance.

· Remind me I’m old everytime I try to order a screwdriver or vodka special. They give me heartburn.

· When I hug a guy on crutches, fall, pull him down to and then pull the table on top, it’s time to leave even though I’m protesting. .

· If the beer tub girl isn’t looking at the money in your hand and flirting with some guy, just take the beer and walk away. Try and grab two beers. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

· If a guy you dance with twirls you around his arm and your feet never touch the ground, you’ve met Mark or Kevin. I can’t remember.

· If a chick hits on the guy you like, get her name and start telling people she has genital warts. Take a page from Pat Benetar, Love is a battlefield.

· Remain hangover free by drinking water and eating crackers before passing out

· If you can’t two step, Krista will teach you. It is a necessary skill

· If I am drunk, and say “let me handle this”. Don’t be fooled I am not in control of the situation and will do the opposite of what should be done.

· If I say I’m not drunk, seriously... I’m loaded. Take my wallet. And my phone. Turn it off and tell me it died. I will need to be tricked to be prevented from drunktexting.

· When someone says its their birthday, If you think they look young or possibly related to you, ask for ID, do it just because you want to creep them later on facebook. It’s acceptable because I do it too.

· Chicks before Dicks unless it’s Hot Patrick or someone of equal hotness

Alright, now let's go party!!!

Managing Your Holiday Shopping

Being the strategic organizer I am (and bossy), it really frustrates me to see people going out shopping three million times and paying for gas and parking all those times and fighting crowds. You know why it's frustrating for me, cuz then they get bitchy and I have to put up with it. Or they get bitchy and accuse me of being bitchy!!! So, here's how you effectively christmas shop:

On Rememberance Day, since you have the day off...

1. Make a chart. Name, Dollar Amount, Gift, and Store should all be titles.
2. Write down the names, then how much you want to spend and ideas for gift in the respective columns next to the name.
3. Once that's done, write down the store where you will find that gift.

Well, look at that, all the places you need to go in a list and all the items you need to buy are there too!!! Perfect.

My secret tip -- color code your list to the malls that each store is in. Purple for Southland, Yellow for Cornwall, Pink for Victoria, Blue for Walmart.

Now, go to those malls the same week as Rememberance day. Buy everything you need.

See your done. Now, you should also notice how you aren't bitchy.

Or, you can do like me, buy everything online and wait for it to come to you. Parking is always available, I can fight the crowds at the post office, my advantage - I'm younger than the people who loiter there by 50 years and I don't need to stop and read the obituaries.

I'm just a small town girl...

So when my cousin Megan and I went to the big city it didn't take us long to find a "weirdo".

We hadn't been in the city for more than three minutes when a guy in a car pulled up in the lane next to us. He was normal looking. But I noticed that he was wearing blue latex gloves. That's strange.

So now I'm thinking of all the reasons he would be wearning those:

• his car was so dirty he didn't want to touch anything
• he's scared of H1N1
• he forgot to take them off after doing a pap exam
• he's late for giving a prostate exam
• fucked-up fashion
• he has OCD and its just not logical
• he was cutting up meat and didn't want the germs on his hands or under his nails
• he couldn't afford real mitts... (maybe he shouldn't be driving such a nice car then)

Don't google 'why people wear latex gloves'. It's more disgusting and disturbing than anything I could think of.

Seriously, What the hell is wrong with people?

By people, I mean boys.

No, I’m sorry don’t like you enough to let you kiss or touch me in anyway...

Yes, I liked (past tense) your friend. He is very goodlooking and charming. But he’s a manwhore.

You bet I told my friends about kissing your hot friend. They care about me and when they ask, “What did you do this weekend?” I answer them honestly. Plus, I want to brag.

You can be mad that I liked him more than you. You think no girl has been passed up for her hotter friend. Have you met my friends? They are all hotter than me. But I don’t raise hell about it. I accept it gracefully with a little dignity and a moderate amount of vodka.

I think it is fine you’re jealous that I kissed him and not you. I’m a good kisser. You should be jealous.

You know what, be pissed off I told my friends. I don’t care. We’ll all laugh about this later anyway.

But please keep your reactions to youself or take a page from integrity and act like a man when you feel jealousy and rejection. I know they are tough emotions to deal with however, this does not mean you can cause shit. Verbally attacking me will really get you no where. Well, unless my brother finds out and then drags your sorry ass to the middle of the no where to beat 'respect for women' into you.

So, I’m refusing to get worked up, which I’m sure pisses you off even more. It’s funny because I’d probably care if you were cute. But I’ve already wasted too much time trying to figure out whats wrong with you. I haven't taken enough abnormal psych classes I guess. I'm actually so disturbed that this makes me feel so powerful that I can make you jealous. Hahaha (evil laugh)

So please take your jealousy, hostility and rejection and hold it tight tonight when you’re in bed alone. Alone because you act like a cross between a douche bag Jon Gosselin and his 8 yr old daughter Maddy.

We could be friends...

Dear Jordan,

It was 24 hours ago that I was getting my hourly gossip dose on people.com and I saw on the twitter ticker that you were advertising your facebook and wanting to add friends.

So I added you. I called my sister immediately from my cell phone even though I was in the house because it was the phone closest to me to tell her too. I think she was disappointed that you weren't in Saskatoon. She was ready to start the car and drive three hours to Saskatoon to find you like a real stalker would.

So, I guess I'm just really pissed off that you haven't accepted my friend request. Like what's the hold up. Don't you remember when we met in Chapters. Nov 18 -13 months ago at approx. 3:00 pm when you were buying the Ted Turner biography. I smiled, shook your hand and told you I had your doll. We're practically REAL friends.

Thanks,
Your soon to be friend Jennifer

"Any whisky in there?"

Today as I was about to throw out an old 2009 daytimer, I came across an interesting list. Not your usual 'milk, bread, fruit', or 'laundry, mail letter, call SaskTel' kind of list.

Written in the back are a few bullet points, which I must have made during one of Grandma Nelson's visits. Now, we've already mentioned a few times on the blog what a riot she is, even when she's not trying. I must have made a list so that I could scrapbook about her visit -- and not forget about the little gems she was spouting off.

So, because I have NO idea what I was going to scrapbook, or if there are any photos at all, or when this even happened (presumably sometime in 2009), I will share with you this list.

Ah-hem. (This is verbatim. Hope you can read my notes and bad spelling.)

-g'ma is going to give Mom a licking for dumping out coffee
-can't retire from gardening 'cuz they can still walk
-Grandma's enjoying herself immensely 1115AM - day 1
-bathroom does everything except pee for you
-getting ice tea in cooler "Any whisky in there?"

I don't know why my list ends there. Or where we were. Or what we were doing. But I am sure glad I took notes.

Renovations Suck.

I live with my Mom and brother. We have one bathroom. Three weeks ago, we tore the old tub surround out. We ran into disaster below the tub surround and have actually taken the circular saw to the walls. This house is cursed by the Voo Doo Priestess of Insomnia. It's because in 1977 she left her sleeping pills behind the plumbing. I found them, but that hasn't stopped the ever persistent problems.

So, for three weeks, I've been bumming showers from friends and family (Thanks Dad, Connie and, of course, Megan and her heated bathroom floors). I would like to take this opportunity to extend my sincerest appreciation.

But I'm Jennifer. So naturally I've created a devious plan to manipulate this project into completion. However, I will share some advice first. NEVER pay your brother and his buddy BEFORE the job is done, and you can avoid this whole mess.

Back to my plan... I am hereby no longer bathing or participating in any form of hygiene. It will take 24 hours for my skin cells to rebalance to their normal pH level. This is also when my stink will start. My hair will get greasy, the b.o. will be overwhelming and my teeth will grow fur. After day 3, when I will be judged for going out in public, I will follow Corey or Lane around. To work, to restaurants, to liquor stores. I will use all my resources to stalk them. And my unbelievably disgusting self will force them into submission where they will put up the last 5 tiles, apply the grout and sealant.

Pretty awesome right...

1985 called. They want their Christmas backdrop back.

I was looking for a picture tonight to go into one of those photo-frame Christmas ornaments. I didn't find anything that would work, but I did find the photo we are now using on this blog to celebrate the holiday season.

I remember this photo. I think it was taken at McLeod's, or some other now extinct department store, gone the way of Woolco and Eatons and Richardsons. Maybe it was a SAAN photo? Either way, that background is totally fake. It's one of those rollout vinyl backdrops that appears in every Christmas family photo in the mid-80's.

Check out those rings! Yup, I thought they were da bomb. One was purple and one was diamond. As in SAAN store diamond. Maybe it was still the Met. That shirt might have come from Stylerite --there was no WalMart in 1985 in Canada. Jen's outfit probably came from the same place. It's too bad her shirt and overalls don't match. It's one of those 'kinda almost matches good enough for this photo' matches; but still not an actual two-piece set. Who cares anyway, because she's probably pooping her pants at the moment.

Check out my hair cut. Or, what passed for a haircut in those days. Judging by the way my bangs have been gnawed off, I am guessing Mom did that herself. But I think that hairband really helps pull the look off.

This is our first professional photo together at the tender age of 7 for me, 7 months for Jen. I'm gonna find the "matching white angel dress" one next!

This is NOT 7th Heaven

And we do NOT resemble the Camden family so I have no idea why there is a homeless kid living in the basement.

Grandpa called him a drifter, using more colorful language. Not to his face. That I know of... I can't actually be sure about Grandpa and Grandma anymore.

Maybe just for one second we can recall the incident where the guy got his head cut off on the bus. So maybe all drifters with guitars aren't safe. This isn't 1960.

He spilt wine on the floor, smells like dog food, looked at porn on the computer, left the toilet unflushed and the cupboard doors open. I guess I should be thankful I do still have my head.

He left after 3 days. He even left behind his brick of cheese and 4 boxes of KD. He must have left fast... I wonder if we are really crazy enough that we scared away the homeless kid

I'm no longer bleeding green, I'm crying green.

First of all, I kinda feel like a lot of my blogs should be called this. But this is important and truly vomit inducing.

I just started watching the CFL for really last month when my dad explained how downs and all that junk works, not just pretend watching to pick up boys. Anyway, I am very very disappointed.

Tonight the Roughriders lost by 1 point. Montreal won because we had an extra man on feild and they got to re-kick. Their first kick, the one they did with our extra man on the field didn't make it through the goal post. They got a second kick and of course made the ball go through the prongs.

So many things were racing through my mind. At first I was happy because they ball didn't go through, what kind of sucky ass team can't do that from the 30 yard line. I could do that and I can't kick anything without falling down!! Then I was baffled because they were kicking again. Only in the movies does shit like that happen.

Maybe the Riders can't count. They were probably pushed through math class so they could play football.

Maybe they didn't know the 13th man was not a real player.

Ange says this is why she supports the arts. Jann Arden never loses by one point. I agree and will no longer watch sports. I'm gonna enjoy empty stores and block out Rider nonsense as white noise.

And FYI Montreal, bragging about this win is like bragging about screwing a girl you roofied.

If I Could Just Rewind

If you could rewind and go back in time, what would you do?
Tell yourself that one day it won't matter that Lesley always played with the better My Little Ponies?
That one day you would actually be friends with your sister instead of trying to send her back upstairs?
Maybe you would tell your younger self that your science project is not the end of the world; that you SHOULD go to bed earlier, or that you should definitely not let that greasy loser into your heart, or your pants.
Maybe you would go back and relive your engagement, your promotion, your wedding, your kid's birth?

If I could rewind time, I would go back One Year Ago.

That was the fateful day my life intertwined with my teen idol by only the most coincidental of chances.

I was looking for Dolly Parton.
He was looking for Ted Turner.
I was with my mom and sister.
He was with his bodyguards.
I was in town for a New Kids concert.
He WAS a New Kid.



Yes, Jordan Knight was standing in the same Chapters bookstore, in the same Edmonton mall, at the EXACT SAME TIME as me. Do you know what the chances of that are? You couldn't duplicate that if you wanted to. (And believe me, we tried.)

It's a moment I have relived a million times since then. His Boston accent. His slight frame and shortness. His dark hair. His politeness at the radio interview I am pretty sure I was giving him, if only in my own mind.

If I could rewind, I would ask to get a photo. If I could rewind, I would have said "Thank you for being the first boy I really fell in love with. Thank you for giving me something my 12-year-old friends and I could bond over. Thank you for not thinking I am entirely crazy for stalking you in this store."

The jarring reality is that the very event that started my idea for a blog and my re-obsession with my favorite boy band is a moment I can only relive online, here with you.

But there is always the possibility he might read this...I can always hope for that.

But then it got worse...

The only logical reason I can think of that this would exist, is because this company is ran by 12 year old boys.

Please Note: I DO NOT WANT this soap. Yes, this is poop soap. And can be yours for $9.98

But the ad warns: Soaps can vary slightly in shape and color--just like real ones...

OMG.

Another sign I spend too much time on the internet!

I'd always kinda thought, yeah I've seen it all. Like the type of mentality where not much should shock me anymore.

I mean I've seen everything from people having sex in the wide open feild next to the Craven exit to Jehovah Witness scrapbooking stickers to Jordan Knight in real life up close.

I thought I'd seen it all. Then I saw this:

Yes, those are pickle band-aids. You can buy them for $4.99. You can also get Bacon & Egg, Jesus, Scabs, Beef, and Kissy Lips...

I almost want to buy them and use them. Well, not just use them, but show them off. Like put one on my forehead, think of all the people who'd stare. It'd give them something to talk about when they got home. Or something to text while they stare!

Yeah, I'm gonna definitely put these on my Christmas Wish List!

WARNING: DISTURBING MATERIAL BELOW

So,you know how when you walk you keep your eyes open so you don't walk into wall, or trip??

Well, I was walking with my eyes open, I pushed open the women's bathroom door in the Watson gas station. With my eyes open because I don't want fall onto the gross bathroom floor.

I see an aboriginal women in her 50's. She is in the handicap stall, which is closest to the door (and in my immediate eyeline). She is standing there with the stall door wide open. She is almost standing up straight and pulling up her pants. Her national geographic vajayjay exposed.

I made a beeline for the other stall. I closed and locked the door while listening to her wash her hands. I was so shocked, I did what I do best: share too much information! So I whipped my cell phone out of my pocket, logged onto facebook and updated my status all before peeing! It said:

"Jennifer Hill Is so shocked by what she just saw in the watson bathroom i'm updating my status to tell everyone while i'm still in the stall! Gross"

It was so gross. So gross, I'm gonna start walking with my eyes closed.

Tropicana Adventures

One of my closest friends, Tera, and her boytoy Jay, own a chain of tanning salons. Tropicana Tans to be exact. And not only do they offer premium tanning with no stupid strings attached, they give me a deal!!!

They have a "Master Sun 360". It's the cadillac of tanning beds. 4-6 times the tan in one session!!! And it has less UVB rays, the ones that burn you, so you can stay in longer without the burn.

The tanning bed and I don't always get along. Laying flat on my back for ten minutes caused me some anguish. When the bed shut down and I went to push the lid open, I realized I could move my back. I'm naked and I can't move. Tera talked me into not wearing my underwear (even though I did wear my panties the first time, she assured me that my nipples wouldn't burn, plus being naked in public is weird). And now I can't friggin' move. And I can't reach anything to cover myself up, and even if I could all they have in the room is those stupid tiny hand towels. Like what the hell am I supposed to do with those?? I'm naked and I can't move. Slowly but surely, I got off the bed with enough groaning to make Tera think I was putting on a solo show. But don't worry, it's all worth it!

So after two sessions in their spaceship tanning bed, I'm sitting in Angela and Grant's kitchen in their half renovated curtainless house at the table playing on facebook, neglecting the dog's whine's for some of my delicious ribs and lifting up my shirt to look at how brown my once white belly has become.

I have become mesmorized at how tan I have become after only 20 minutes. I'm in awe of how this machine hasn't made them billions of dollars...yet! I just sit there and keep lifting up my shirt and rubbing my stomach. I didn't see anyone looking in the windows, but I'm sure someone saw. And I would bet my care bear purple penguin that every time they pass Ange and Grant's house now they look for the girl who lifts up her shirt and rubs her belly like some sort of buddha.

Anyway, the point of the story, my zebra boobies. So when a chesty girl like myself lays down, my boobs fall back and try to choke me. This also causes them to have a little roll of their own. So when I'm standing in the mirror admiring my brown boobs, I notice two white stripes on the outside edge of my boobs. From the stupid boob roll.

I have striped zebra style boobies. But I don't care. I love Tera, Jay and the MasterSun 360!

Banff. Through the Eyes of Grant's Cell Phone

Okay. Who are we kidding. It's MY cell phone, but Grant does use it occasionally. One such occasion was our trip to Banff. I was at a conference and he had some time to kill. Here's what he saw fit to photograph:

He tells me this guy was wearing shorts.

This was the bundle of sticks that was $30 at a craft store. He LOVED that.

This is why it's a National Park!

Parks Canada building.

Another beautiful mountain.

Yes Jen, there is a Booster Juice and a Louis Vutton in the same mall. (click to enlarge)

You can ALWAYS find a place to drink.

Grant was pretty sure the Bay went bankrupt. I said that was Eatons and Woolco.

Downtown.

Even the alleys are nicer in the mountains.

Our hotel.

Outside our hotel.

What was surprising to me is that there is NO Tim Hortons in Banff. Not one. I found this unusual considering the nauseating amount of Canadian-isms all over the place.

In fact, I had no idea that Canada was so full of dreamcatchers, stuffed polar bears/grizzly bears/foxes/moose/elk, RCMP in red serges, log cabins, bacon and maple leaves. All that and not ONE Tim Hortons? Second Cup and Starbucks are clearly not Canadian enough to fit into this scene.

The other interesting note is that there were very few "Canadians" in sight. Now, before you paint me as a racist, I realize "we are all immigrants" blah-blah-blah, but really, every single person we talked to had a distinct accent! Australians? Check. Swedes? Check. Japanese? Check. Brits? Check. Americans? Yup - check!

Excuse me, but where is my maple-leaf-waving-bacon-eating-Canadian-accented-red-serge-wearing-RCMP? Is he snuggled with the stuffed moose on his mantle in his log cabin with the bear rug under the watch of a dreamcatcher? Must be. He doesn't have any Timmies to keep him going.

As in Jolie and Aniston?

I have been learning all about social media and blogs. I was at a conference in Banff for the International Association of Business Communicators, and the topic of social media was a hot one.

Anyway, it got me wondering how easy it would be to stumble upon our blog if you searched "Ange and Jen" on Google.

Well, you don't get our blog.

You get hundreds of references to Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston though. The funny thing is, several of them could be totally applicable to sibling relationships.

For example:
"Ange and Jen. It's war." (We don't go to war too often, if ever, but there is always potential.)

"Ange's fury - Jen's secret meeting with Brad's mum." (Okay, maybe not this one.)

"Ange - another Jen dig." (Yup, I totally pick on her.)

"Jen on Ange, finally." (Is this as dirty as it sounds??)

"Ange and Jen send mags into a frenzy" (We wish!!)

If you want to find us, Google 'Ange and Jen have a blog'...then it comes up second. Jen and Ange--the OTHER famous Jen and Ange--still get the top spot.

It's hard being not-quite-famous. But I can live with that.

Mmmm Moxie's

I hate hot waiters.

You know when you go to Moxie's, order an appetizer, a "Moxie-sized" Peach Bellini, supper, and then have dessert, and while you know you're being a pig by eating a weeks worth of calories in a week, you don't want to be judged by the waiter you're pretty sure used to be an actor on Bold and the Beautiful.

Want the half order? No, the full order... Would you like the sample size? No, the full size... And I would like another refill.

I hate hot waiters, I hate thinking about what they are thinking while they check on me "to see if everything's ok" and I have a mouthful of food. Yeah, I have a mouthful of food, where else do think I would put food. You'd really be judging me if I was eating it through my ears.

I hate wondering if they are betting with the other waiters if I can really eat it all. I hate hot waiters and how they smile with their hotness for a good tip and how they smell almost as good as the food.

I feel like I should eat half my burger and take the other half home... and by home, I mean eating it in the car in the parking lot.

Dear Moxie's, I'd like you to hire an ugly waiter, with acne scars, bald spots, yellow crooked teeth and twenty five extra pounds. Thanks, Jen

Jen's Bucket List

I'm almost 25 years old, it's time I really get living and start crossing things off my bucket list. It's not too long though, this is what my Bucket List consists of:

1. Learning to Surf

2. Being on the Ellen Degeneress Show

3. Visiting every state in the US for at least a week to see all the cool tourist attractions

4. To spend my 60th Birthday on a nude beach in Europe

5. Keep a secret and only tell it to postsecret.com

6. Climb a Mountain, like a real one.

7. Sing on the opry stage where Reba, Dolly, Garth and George have sang. Even if it's during my week in Tennessee and I have to pull a weapon on a security guard.

8. Deliver a baby or perform a surgery on someone other than myself

9. Scubadive with dolphins, whales and sharks

10. Get a tv show with my sister, of course!

When I went back and read the top ten, I realized that my freak flag might be waving a little too high, but who cares!

A Big Dose of Adorable!

This is Brooklyn Holm. The world's cutest and happiest baby. Also, Jennifer's new obsession. Oh, and that's Brooklyn's puppy.

There is so much sweet in this picture, I have a tooth ache.

Halloween 2009 - Year of the Mini Wheat

Yeah, you heard that sound too?? I guess, it was pretty loud.

It was me reaching a new level of awesome.

My name is ... Lisa?

So Jennifer has started calling me Agnes, because she can't type Ange, and she thinks it suits me as an "old" person (hmpf...that's 24 year olds for ya...) ...sometimes I get Michele because I guess I inherited some of my mom's appearance...sometimes Amanda or Andrea instead of Angela. But never, EVER Lisa.

Yes --"Lisa."

Today we were out car shopping. Well, actually truck shopping that turned into truck AND car shopping. Anyway, we went into pretty well all the dealerships, and at one particular one, we introduced ourselves to the saleman, and then went for a test drive.

As we were getting in, my husband whispers to me, "He thinks you're Lisa." I hadn't noticed yet, but sure enough, not once, but twice, on the test drive, he called me Lisa! I didn't have the heart to correct him because he was quite nice and courteous, and well, I wasn't going to buy that car anyway.

When we bought our current car, I started calling it Fanny. It just suits it. It started because we bought the same car as Auntie Faye. I didn't want to insult sweet Auntie Faye by naming my car after her, so I settled for Fanny. And it stuck.

When I signed my life away on the car I bought today (not with the Lisa salesman, but that had nothing to do with that), I decided it needed a suitable name too. Not too flashy, not too granny-ish. Something nice and normal. Maybe even sophisticated.

Like, maybe...Lisa.

10 things you (maybe) didn't know about Jen

1. I copy good ideas from people and never give them credit if I don't think they'll find out.

2. I love haunted houses but hate being scared. I scream the whole way through one.

3. I love reliving the past with stupid movies like "Off to Grandma's House We Go" or "Double Double Toil and Trouble" or just story telling with Angela, or Erika and Krista (my BFF's)

4. Maya Angelou has incredible quotes that can cheer me up or give me new perspective

5. I can remember specific dates even when nothing in particular happened on them

6. When I moved out on my own I had to stop watching scary movies. I still can't watch them by my self.

7. I used to share my birthday with my Grandpa Hill. He was April 4 and I was April 5. That was the only thing I ever like sharing.

8. I can't get the pictures on my phone off. I'm still baffled to this day and my phone is 2 years old.

9. I have kissed more than one boy on the same night.

10. Equality and Justice are most important to me. So, it really pisses me off that Aboriginal people and Inmates are getting the H1N1 vaccine before the public who actually PAY the taxes.

**This was originally supposed to be 5 things, but I'm really really interesting!

Before we blogged ...

... we sat in the laundry basket.

Zeke

I realize I talk about Zeke in our 'About Us' profile, but I don't blog about him nearly enough. Here's my latest favorite picture.

Organizer Ange

Wow! We have passed the 100th blog! I can't believe we have found that much to say. Well, actually I can. We can both talk alot, and blogs are free --except the cost of computers and the internet, of course.

Since we're talking about superpowers, the other half of Encyclopedia Jen would be Organizer Ange. It's a gift. I have had it since birth. I thought for a long time that all people had perfectly organized things, but I found out at about age 7 or 8 going over to Bonnie's and Gaylene's to play that this was not true (no offense - your houses were fun, they just weren't organized).

So what does that mean?
My CDs are alphabetical.
My scrapbook paper is separated into the ROY G BIV color scheme.
My photos are all in albums or scrapbooks, chronologically.
My clothes (and Grants) are hung up short-sleeved, long-sleeved, t-shirts, dress shirts, darkest to lightest in each section.
Papers and bills are read, dealt with and put into my alphabetical filing cabinet - one drawer for me, one drawer for Grant. Or, they go into the recycle bin in the kitchen or office.
Everything I have to do is written in a daytimer, and/or added to the kitchen calendar and/or added to my work BlackBerry.

I sort, label, categorize and organize EVERYTHING. I am not sure if this is a superpower or an illness that would make for a good episode of an A&E reality show.

Encyclopedia Jen

Yeah, the title, that's what my super hero name would be.

The retrieval system in my brain works really really well and coupled with my photographic memory, I pretty much know everything. And if I don't, I can fake it unbelievably well.

This is a great super power. I can recall details from the 1929 Famous 5 "Person's Case", the Universal Declaration of BullShit this and Legal Policy Tort law-that, The history of Britney Spears, Reba, Lindsanity Lohan and, of course, every Halloween costume I've worn since birth.

But like all super powers, there's always a downside. People constantly ask me stuff. All the time, non stop, and it's so inconvenient, especially since I'm becoming an Ogre.

Can people not see, I'm busy and working on one of the hundred essays I have due??

Are they so consumed with their selfish questions that I can't have 5 minutes interrupted??

When I don't look at you or initiate conversation, that means that maybe I want some "quiet time". If I say "Hi "and then turn back to my work, it's because I want to work!!!!

What classes are you taking next semester? Do they offer Human Development, SW 420 here? When does the H1N1 vaccine come out? What are the qualifications for Pogey? What's that movie called with that voice? What are you being for Halloween? How do make a dirty hooker? What's the box number for the Journal?

I'm taking NS 101, SW 347, SW 421, SW 417. I don't work here, so I don't know if SW 420 is offered. There is no set date yet for the vaccinations and I'm not a health care provider, so I only know what's on the news. I don't work for EI, so I don't know if you can get pogey. That movie is House Bunny. I'm being a Mini Wheat for Halloween. 1/2 red sour puss, 1/2 creme de banane. Box 1300.

Okay, anything else you need to know?

#100

This our 100th Post!

Wow, it's been quite a year. And reflecting on past posts, I'm so happy my sister created this blog for us. I know I'm too lazy to have ever started this, and now it's Ange who seems to be less inspired to write new blogs... HINT HINT.

Thank to our 2 readers - Mom and Heather (aka the Gayle to our Oprah). We love your feedback!

Stay Tuned for more Rants, Lists and Stories!!

Wanted: Someone to live with

I think I could live with anyone. I am a very clean person. I'm happy, easy going and tend to be very independent. I spend most of my time with the Staff of Seattle Grace hospital and my friends on Wisteria Lane. I also have a lot of nice things that I could possibly let you use, if I deem you responsible enough (ex. SlapChop and Graty).

What I can't live with are everyone's friggin' mental disorders. I don't want to live with all the voices in your head!!

For a little while, I can repeat my mantra to my self "They can't help it, they are mentally challenged. It's not their fault, it's the disease talking". I've tested this tactic, and after 6 months, it runs out.

I need a roomie who doesn't have any mental or emotional health problems.

If you fit this description, please email me.

Quick Question --

Do you still have to repay your loans when you're in jail?

I'm scared to research this because on a bad day, this answer could push me over the edge.

I worked in a bank for two years, you think I'd know. I have tens of thousands of dollars of debt, and next to no income.

So jail, getting my sweet revenge against the rampantly stupid, could have an upside. I don't have to clean a big house. I don't have to live with any gross boys. I get meals provided. I don't have to pay rent.

Really, I just have to worry about the jail yard throwdown to earn my ranks. And bitch better step off 'cuz I have been know to create mental warfare.

So now the big question -- What should my crime be??

I don't have any priors, I could probably commit a few crimes before I have to serve time...

**Please note, I am not a criminal and do not seriously plan to become one. But if you rat on me, I will mess you up. Got it?**

If I Was On Intervention...

...it would be because I am addicted to sugar.
I can't get enough.
I even use it's related cousins: glucose, fructose, and corn syrup.

Yup, I think it started at a young age when Grandma Nelson had the candy drawer. I think really it was just the drawer she threw gum and other junk in, but to me it was definitely the candy drawer. Even now, she always has candies of some kind on the table. And Grandpa Hill always gave me Juicy Fruit gum. I mean, c'mon, that's just sugar in a stick!

Today was a pretty good day actually. I only had sugar in my coffee, a butter tart, and brown sugar fudge from the craft fair. But that's because I am buying groceries tomorrow and I will stock up on my supply of chocolate and gummy-sugary jujubes of some sort, and I will have to eat that last piece of rhubarb crisp too.

I'm Angela. A-N-G-E-L-A.
I'm addicted to sugar.
I would snort it, shoot it, and smoke it, but mainly I just eat it everyday.

Wanted: Mental Health Therapist.

Okay, for the past week I've been getting phone calls from random friends. And I don't always feel its mandatory to answer them.

I think I'm kinda becoming introverted. Which isn't really like me. I have a very bubbly, happy personality.

Why am I becoming introverted?? Because it's too much damn work to be nice to people and try and force conversation. I'd rather not put forth the effort.

So instead of having to be nice, I'm lazy and don't answer the phone. I don't want to resent my friends because they called, I felt obligated to answer it and it pissed me off.

I'd actually like it if I wasn't interrupted at all. Send a text or an email and I'll deal with it in my own sweet time when I feel like it, ok?!

If I was on Intervention...

it would be because I'm a gossip whore.

I can't get enough celebrity gossip.

I once mistakenly refered to a conversation between Madonna and Oprah as "I was just talking with someone about that". No, I hadn't it, I saw it on Oprah...

I love Perez. I think he and I could be best friends. He's mean out of truthfulness, like me. He's honest, like me. He's funny, like me. We both stand up for what we believe in. We could totally be besties.

If you add in a little TMZ and people magazine, you get what the first hour of my day looks like. I'm a complete know it all in regards to Britney, Lindsay, Jon and Kate, and pretty much everyone else.

I'm Jennifer. J E N N I F E R and I'm addicted to gossip. I would snort it, shoot it, smoke it and swallow it up everyday, but luckily, I can save my nostrils, veins, throat and stomach 'cuz I can just read it.